and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
