it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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