People in love make me want to vomit
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
All I want is dick and wine.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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