mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
