alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
