Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
