I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
