just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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