two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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