lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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