I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
