If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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