sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
