she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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