I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
