Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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