at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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