But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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