i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
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