Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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