I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Is it penis luge time yet?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
