Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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