i permit you to call me
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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