im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
