you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
