my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
