That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
