while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
