And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
