Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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