My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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