If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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