Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
