god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
