The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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