Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
