you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
MIDGETS
????
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
