I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
