you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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