I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
