Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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