Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
