i wish semen tasted like chocolate
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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