the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
