my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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