My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
