I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
