I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
