ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
