Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
